portrait of capitalist as pig

Paraphrased and slighty reworded from a journal entry by ~rustajb.

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Oh I see you are suffering. There is always money to be made where people are suffering. Your mother is dying. I am so sorry, but here, let me sell you something. You say your entire town was wiped out by fires, storms, earthquakes, landslides, floods, and sickness? Well you see, since I am a capitalist, I belive in self-sufficiency. So, it must have been your fault. You can't seriously expect to go around and blame others for yor own misery! Mother nature won't coddle you, so why should I? So what if it was my chemical plant that bled the toxins into my water table that I allow you to use? And now your children have holes for eyes and spines on the outside. You should have been drinking other water. I cannot be responsible for the poor choices you make.

But now that you mention it, spines on the outside? Let me introduce you to our partner company, King Pharmeceutical, LLC (Limited Liability Company). They have a pill specifically designed to make you forget. Because its not about fixing problems, its about making you forget about said problems. Feeling sad? Feeling a little down and out? We've got a pill for that. And because as you well know, a normal life is a happy life, and a happy life is a normal life. See all the cute animals at your local zoo, and how they are so damn happy all the time? Oh, but what about all the ones who died from testing, or maltreatment in zoos, or were logged into extinction, or bred to die in factory farms? Well, we have a pill for that.

Now get back to fucking work! I have money to make, and the people in charge need to be able to tax your labor to fund their wars. Maybe we should change the legal jargon around so that 'your' labor isn't yours anymore. You work for ME, so it should be MY labor...oh wait, you have already signed an agreement saying that it already is. Don't feel like working? We've got a pill for that. People say that they often find work unrewarding because they are depressed, despite what you little fuckers say about being depressed because work is unrewarding. What the hell do you think God put you on His earth for? It sure as hell wasn't to love, laugh, think, feel, or ponder. It was to work, and turn some misery into some money. Don't like it? We've got a pill for that.

And how dare you assert that I should use my money to "do some good" for the rest of the world! The world is a tough place! Survival of the fittest, assholes! It's my fucking money, I worked hard for it....what's that you say? YOU worked hard for it? You work for ME, so shut the fuck up, take your pills, and get back to work. Now where was I...oh yes! Famine, disasters, disease, war, and death...all natural stuff! We are people, and people are natural, right? That means everything we do is natural. Therefore when I poison the earth, or fund secret wars, or level an entire forest, it's natural! No way a single person like me could ever harm a monolithic planet like ours. Now get your ass into some pills.

Ozone holes, warfare, starvation, terrorism, sickness, drug epidemics, and human strife...sounds to me like opportunities for me to make money are just bursting at the seams. You say I could lend a hand and be a humanitarian? I don't see you scooping water from ditches and selling it for 5 dollars an ounce with a liberal helping of Christian guilt to starving children in Africa. I AM helping, you are just a critic. They need water, and I need money. It's as good as a pill. And so what if you think we are the ones responsible for all of humanities problems? I've got a solution for you! We have a whole new fall line-up of industries to unleash in the new market of disaster cleanup and war rebuilding. So many millionaires will be made, and it should make you happy knowing so many people will become millionaires off of your survival? It's fair. It's good. What would jesus do, right? Now stop asking stupid questions and making stupid demands and watch some American Idol.

Oh yes, I almost forgot you said your mother was dying. Well who the hell is going to cover your shift, sweetheart? People die everyday, its a fact, But that doesn't mean the wheels of commerce can come toa grinding halt because your life has. It was probably her own fault anyways, she should have been more self-sufficient. She can't afford her pharmeceuticals? How the fuck is that my fault? You expect me to be short-handed because she didn't have the foresight to get rich? Couldn't get a real job? These pills are for those contribute, not for those convelescing in beds. The world does not stop and start for you, you monkey. Now shut up, take some pills, and listen to some Britney Spears.

Are you tired all the time? We've got a pill for that. I don't have the time for either of us to be tired. You can take a rest when you go to your summer home on the coast. What? You don't have a summer home because you can barely afford a one room apartment as it is? Well fuck, go cry to your dying mother. I can;t care if you can't get your priorities straight enough to afford something as paltry as a summer home. Tons of people have them, all my friends do, as do their friends.

I am so fucking sick of you needless feeders. God put us on earth for one reason, self-indulgence at the expense of others. We were put here to turn blood into oil, and sweat into money. Money for more bombs, money for more shit that you don't really need but advertising has you chasing. If we keep this up we can phase out the lower class bottom-feeders and make a utopia for ourselves. Growth is unlimited, have a look at the Wall Street Journal and you'll see...the sky is the limit! So quit your whining and start making my profit-margin larger.

Free market? That's akin to Communism and Homosexuality. We have the right to stamp out any and all things that get in our way if it opposes what me and my millionaire friends do. There is no point in using ethics are paltry things of that nature. Now we can just pay the politicians to change the laws so that it is YOU who are wrong, YOU who is the one that belongs to us, YOU who is expendable and worthless.

Still thing it's wrong? Too bad because you are poor and you can't change anything because you are weak and simple and stupid. Obviously you are. Look at your bank account, you worthless swine. Still think it's wrong? Too fucking bad, might makes right. You act like the world belongs to you. What about me? And my right to purge you of all your desire to live your own life? The money in your pocket is really mine, the things you own are really mine, and the life you live belongs to me.

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Animal farm was a fucking stupid book.